A chrome letter-P figure in a housecoat pushing a trolley overflowing with blank paper slips down a supermarket aisle

▸ VALID THIS WEEK ONLY · EXPIRED LAST WEEK

90% OFF. OF WHAT, WE CANNOT LEGALLY SAY.

Every clipped coupon is a small coup. CouPons is the only token that tells you the discount before it tells you the product. Ninety percent off. Every week. Forever. $COUP

Buy $COUP Join the Mailing List Check the Address First

Offer subject to availability, conditions, weather, sentiment, and the general direction of the market.

THE FINE PRINT — ONE ADDRESS, NO SUBSTITUTIONS

This is the only line on the page printed at full size on purpose.

CONTRACT ADDRESS {{CONTRACT_ADDRESS}}
OFFICIAL X — @couponstoken BUY ON PONS

NO SUBSTITUTIONS. Every other contract address is a counterfeit clipping. This store has one address and it is printed above in full — check it character by character before you buy, because the last four are the ones the forgeries get wrong. We never come to your door and we never DM first.

Parody token. Not affiliated with any retailer, supermarket, wholesaler or coupon clearing house. No cash value. Void where prohibited, which is most places.

ACCEPTED AT NO PARTICIPATING RETAILER — not one, not ever, we asked

▸ THIS WEEK ONLY

THE SAVINGS

Four facts, printed on cheap stock, cut along the dashed line. Every one of them is ninety percent off. Every one of them expired yesterday.

SUPPLY

1,000,000,000 $COUP. Limit one billion per household.

EXP. YESTERDAY

TAX

0/0. We make our money on volume. We have no volume. We have no money. The system works.

EXP. YESTERDAY

LIQUIDITY

Locked. Filed in a drawer with the takeaway menus. Nobody opens that drawer.

EXP. YESTERDAY

AUDIT

Verified by a man with a clipboard who was mostly there for the free samples.

EXP. YESTERDAY

Limit one household per household. Coupon has no cash value. Coupon has no value.

▸ TEAR ALONG THE DASHED LINE

THE SHEET

Twelve coupons. Clip whichever you like. They are all ninety percent off and they have all expired. Keep going anyway — there is one at the bottom that still works.

COUPONS CLIPPED: 0 · TOTAL SAVED: $0.00

One sheet per customer per week. Sheets are reprinted on Thursday. Offers end Wednesday. Nobody has been willing to move either date.

▸ AT THE REGISTER

The discount was always real. The window was not.

Behind every checkout there is a small machine that multiplies your basket by nine tenths and then quietly checks the date. It has never once returned a different number. We have left it running since launch out of respect, and because switching it off would require somebody to walk all the way to aisle seven.

Register is calibrated annually by whoever happens to be nearest to it at the time.

savings.py — register@aisle7

▸ FOUR WEEKS OF SAVINGS

THE CIRCULAR

The flyer runs on a four-week cycle. So does everything else. Prices as printed, which is to say ninety percent off, which is to say we are not going to elaborate.

  1. WEEK 1

    THE FLYER LANDS

    It arrives. Nobody asked for it. Everyone reads it.

    EXP. YESTERDAY

  2. WEEK 2

    THE CLIPPING

    You cut carefully around the dashed line. This is the most care anyone will apply all cycle.

    EXP. YESTERDAY

  3. WEEK 3

    THE CHECKOUT

    You present the coupon. It has expired. You buy the item anyway. This is the trade.

    EXP. YESTERDAY

  4. WEEK 4

    THE RESTOCK

    A new flyer arrives. The same 90%. You are pleased to see it. So are we.

    EXP. YESTERDAY

Weeks shown are indicative. Actual weeks may arrive in any order, or not at all.

▸ SATISFIED CUSTOMERS

SHOPPERS

Collected at the register, unprompted, by a member of staff who was trying to go home.

A chrome letter-P figure in a cardigan and rain bonnet holding a blank paper slip, a wicker basket on one arm
“I have been coming here every Sunday for eleven years. I have never once saved a single dollar. But I have never once paid full price either, in my heart.”
AISLE REGULAR eleven years, no savings
A hugely over-inflated chrome letter-P figure in a tracksuit pushing two shopping trolleys overflowing with blank paper slips
“I clipped four thousand coupons. All expired. I bought everything anyway. At this scale the coupons were never the point.”
THE BULK BUYER four thousand clippings
A chrome letter-P figure in a rumpled coat holding out a crumpled blank slip at a supermarket till, cobwebs forming around him
“The cashier said this one ran out yesterday. I said check again. She checked again. That was in March.”
STILL AT THE REGISTER since March

Testimonials are real in the sense that somebody said them out loud in a queue.

▸ THREE SIMPLE STEPS

CHECKOUT

The rites are short. Observe them in order. Do not make eye contact with the person behind you.

  1. Get a basket

    Set up a wallet. You cannot clip without one.

    EXP. YESTERDAY

  2. Fill it sensibly

    Bring only what you would be willing to leave at the register.

    EXP. YESTERDAY

  3. Present your coupon

    Buy $COUP. It has expired. Buy it anyway.

    Buy $COUP

    Check the address in The Fine Print first.

    EXP. YESTERDAY

No rainchecks. No substitutions. No refunds at any register in any country.

▸ CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK

ASKED AT THE DESK

Ninety percent off what, exactly?

That is the one thing the flyer does not print.

Are any of the coupons valid?

One is. It is at the bottom right. It does not save you money, it just asks you to stay.

Why is everything expired?

The presses run on Thursday. The offers end on Wednesday. Nobody has been willing to move either.

How do I know I have the right address?

Read it off The Fine Print on this page, character by character. We publish one address and we never DM first.

Wen restock?

The register answers only in candles.